Friday, July 20, 2012
How To Leave Gracefully After A One-Night Stand
We’ve all done it. We all thought it was a good idea at the time. In our hot, drunken stupor we thought the guy from the bar was ridiculously good looking. So of course, we decided to spread our legs for a one-night stand. In the morning with our beer goggles off and our hangovers coming in full throttle, we roll over to realize the charity case our vagina just endured. Not only do you not remember anything, but the guy laying next to you looks like a hobo man you picked up on the side of the street.
But how do you gracefully exit?
If you’re lucky enough to find your less-than-sexy man asleep, grab your shit and run. Make sure you don’t leave anything behind, because if you do, you sure aren’t going to see it again.
Before bolting for the door, quickly glance around the room for used condoms. You want to make sure your lady business was properly protected. God forbid, you end up with this sad schmuck’s STDs or worse, carrying his ugly babies. It’s alright to let your pussy go wild, but your head still needs to be responsible.
If your unfortunate fuck just happens to be awake, play it cool. Pretend like you remember everything perfectly and had a wonderful time. If it’s a workday, then tell him you’re running late for work. If it’s a weekend, mention how you have lunch with your grandma for her birthday. No one can get pissy with a I’m-hanging-with-my-granny excuse. You’ll look like a sweet person who’s interested in caring for the elderly.
If the one-night stand took place at your house and you want them to leave without seeming rude, mention how you have to get to work as you have a meeting you forgot. Help them gather their clothes to make sure they don’t have an excuse for coming back over. Be nice and walk them to the door. This will take a little longer than if you’re at their house. It’s harder to get someone to leave sometimes than it is to leave someone’s house. So if you’re out drinking then make sure to go to their house instead.
If your one-night stand is trying to have morning sex with you, and you’re not into it… fake sick. Tell him you have a massive headache and need some water, then get up and go to the fridge. Better yet, run to the bathroom and say, “I think I just started my period!” Nothing shrinks a boner faster than the mention of blood. If you are into having sex with him once more (apparently your beer goggles haven’t completely faded), let the guy know that you have somewhere to go before you start so you can leave. Then you won’t feel guilty for banging and bolting.
As you are getting ready to leave his house or if you’re trying to persuade him to get out of yours, it may come up that he wants to see you again. Obviously, he does. Let’s face it; your vagina was one-stand gold. If you don’t want to see him again, be short and polite. Make something up. Maybe you just got out of a relationship and you’re not really over it. No one wants to be a rebound fuck. Turn the tables on them. Start talking about your ex a lot. Mention how much you miss him and his wonderful penis. Tell your one-night stand that you’ve been thinking about getting back together with your generously hung ex.
If the person just won’t give up on wanting to see you again, casually mention that you need to go to a doctor’s appointment for an STD check. Let him know that he should probably get checked too, just in case. Say whatever you have to, but make yourself seem as undesirable and unattractive as possible. (If you’re as fucking sexy as me, it’ll be a challenge for sure.) Whatever you do, never leave a one-night stand and say, “I’ll call you.” Lie about everything else, but that. Best to be honest even if it’s a lie.
- Sienna Sinclaire® - The Single Girl®: Your Naughty Lifestyle Guide