Tuesday, July 2, 2013

The Flip-Flop Guy

I blame my sweet pussy for getting her jollies on when I browsed his online dating profile. He was cute, mildly interesting, completely fuckable. Why not? I thought. We had exchanged a few emails and a few texts, and he finally asked me when I was available. 

            Saturday, I replied.

            Okay, let me check to see if Im free then…”

My vadge isnt a very patient lady (as we all know), so Im not going to wait around for some online guy to make up his mind when he wants to take me out. Contrary to the male mind, women arent lounging around on the couch waiting for you to give the go-ahead to give some head.
No, I dont need a man. I want your penis (Ive got needs), but Ive also got two dildos at home with enough vibrating action to help a sister out.

            So I strapped my big-girl panties on, and I laid down the law. Listen, if you cant give me a definite answer lets just reschedule.

            Two milliseconds later, he responded. I can definitely do Saturday.
            Saturday arrived and I was ready for a good night.

            Running late! Hope youre not already there, he texted.

            Clearly he doesnt know my dating finesse; I wait on no man. Id never go the bar before I knew my date was already there. My time is only your time when youre jackhammering me in the bedroom. Any other time, Im going to pretend to be running late.

            I wasnt upset he wasnt at the bar yet. More time to get ready is an extra inch on the dick for me. I love looking my best, especially for the first date when sexual tension is as tangible as Kim Kardashians ass.

            Finally, he texted me and said he was there aka it was time for me to leave my house. 

            I just came from kite surfing so Im dressed very casual, he said.

            I rolled my eyes. Here I am in my high heels, headed to an upscale bar, and my date felt it necessary to tell me hes casual very casual, last minute.
            When I get to the bar, I immediately noticed his feet. He was wearing flip-flops! Heres a tip, men: if youre wanting me to abuse your walrus, dont show up to our first date wearing flip flops like youre about to go to the fucking beach. Normally, I like my men in thongs but lets be clear, I want it to be the kind that parts your ass not your big toe.  

"Wow, you're dressed up," he said. 

Pretty sad of a guy to think I'm super dressed up when I was wearing my most "casual" dress for the night. Coming from a guy wearing flip-flops on a first date, he'd probably think wearing a potato sack with heels was the perfect attire for meeting the fuckin President.

I shrugged. "Nice to see you're not trying to impress me on our first date."

            Of course, I was livid. My pussy and I are pretty rational ladies. I get that he was out kite surfing all day, but you're not a girl. You dont need to fix your hair for hours, agonize over what outfit to wear, and meticulously put on makeup. You're a guy for fuck sake! Getting ready consists of scrubbing your armpits, combing your hair with a wash cloth and cleaning your ball sack (I hope!) a whoppin three minutes. He had obviously gone home to change, so whats so hard with putting on a nice pair of shoes? 

            Clearly, he could have cared less about our date. I dont want some guy who half-asses on a date with me; I mean, think about how awful hed be in bed with that attitude! 

I sat at the bar and he grabbed some drinks. He stood beside me, but it was clear his mind was a million vaginas away. Hes looking all over the place as were talking, locking eyes with all the other girls there. I mean, I love taking in the scenery of a trendy place, but when youve got a ridiculously hot girl in front of you cant you pay attention? I even wore my push-up bra for this shit, and you cant give my girls a lingering stare?

Then he started shifting around One second he was leaning over the bar, the next he was facing me, and then he was leaning with his back up against the bar, but looking out at the crowd. God, I hope he doesnt switch sex positions this fast, I thought.

            When someone isnt into me, I can easily take a hint. I wasnt exactly into flip-flop guy either. But damn it, I took time to get ready so Im going to enjoy myself on someone elses tab. It was the least this casual loser could do. I decided to order one more drink, twos my limit for this date. We kept talking, when he confessed.

            I didnt think Id like you, but I really do find you beautiful and smart.
            Was he even talking to me? This guy has barely looked my way the whole night. How did he even know what I looked like? 

I wore flip flops, he continued, because every time I see a hot chick online, shes dumb as a doornail. I always end up leaving after thirty minutes. I kinda thought youd be another one of those girls.
What an idiot. The dating coach in me wanted to slap him. When you go out on a first date, you take your time to get ready because first impressions are big. I dont go out thinking this guy may be sexy but Im sure hes dumber than my first boyfriends dick, so Ill just come from the gym in my workout clothes. I go on dates thinking this may be a great guy, and if he turns out to be a flip-flop wearing frog no big deal. 

After his confession, he whipped out his phone (I know the old phone trick, very immature, just tell the person you have to leave) and asked for the check. Guess this date is over. 

            Ive got to head out now, he said. Guess to another date or a booty call. 

            I got in my car, and he told me again how much he likes me and would love to go out again. He even tried groping me up; his shy personality suddenly out the window.

            I let the fuck you expression on my face speak for itself as I started the car and drove away.

If you cant take the time to dress up on the first date, you sure as hell dont deserve a second. 

- Sienna Sinclaire® - The Single Girl ®: Your Naughty Lifestyle Guide 

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

What I Learned From Online Dating

I’ve learned a lot of things from dating online from guys profiles and their photos. And I’ve learned that dating online makes for amazing stories for my blogs. 

Drinking: Guys who show photos of themselves with a drink in their hand means that they always have a drink in their hand. Leave the photos of you drinking out of your photos. I’ll find out later if you’re an alcoholic. 

Kids: Guys for some reason think that girls want to see them with a kid in the photo. Gag me. You don’t need to grab your friend’s kid to make it look like you like kids. Nothing is worse than the best photo of you is with a kid, it’s hard to masturbate to when I’m thinking of you.

Sex: Don’t take a picture of just your bed and post it, leave some mystery. I want to be surprised when I walk into your bedroom and only find a bed with one pillow and a blanket as thin as an airplane one. 

Photos: I don’t care about your travel photos. It’s fine if you put up one but don’t have 10 photos and only one showing your face. Also, take off the sunglasses so I can make sure you’re not hiding any bags and take off your hats just in case you’re covering up a comb over or no hair. Or if you have no hair don’t cut the photo off at your forehead so I can’t see what you have going on on top. And try to show a close-up of your face that isn’t blurry or with you wearing sunglasses or a hat. And leave the hot girl out of the photo, I know it’s just your sister or your guy friends girlfriend. No girl wants to see another girl in your photo. And leave your friends out of the photo, nothing is worse than having to guess which one you are.

This is a dating site not your Facebook page so show your best photos that actually show YOU and only you. 

Height: I’ve quickly learned that anyone over 6’0” is usually telling the truth about their height. And that 5’10” on a dating site really means 5’9” or even 5’8”. So I make sure not to date anyone who’s 5’10” because I know I will show up and it will be some short dude. I remember the first time this happened. I went to meet this guy wearing my 5 inch heels which made me 5’10” so I knew I’d be right at his height. I got to the bar excited to meet and as soon as I saw him sitting down I was pleased because he was very good looking. But it wasn’t until he stood up that I realized that he lied about his height. He was looking at me thinking how hot I looked and thank god she’s better looking in person and who she says she really is. And all I can think about is how he lied about his height and next time I’m going to have to only wear my 4 inch heels or maybe just my flats. 

Accents: People who know me know I don’t like accents or people that I have to explain what something means because they speak another language. But I have no problem with British accents as long as they are proper. So I decided to go out with someone who put that they had a “ruggedly sexy Scottish accent” on their profile. This was coming from the same lad who lied about his height. Rugged yes, sexy not. As I’m at dinner trying to listen to the little person sitting in front of me it’s hard to understand this little man when I can barely understand his Scottish accent. Had to ask him to speak slower a few times as if I’m hard of hearing and he’s a retarded little person.

- Sienna Sinclaire® - The Single Girl ®: Your Naughty Lifestyle Guide