Friday, July 20, 2012
We’ve all done it. We all thought it was a good idea at the time. In our hot, drunken stupor we thought the guy from the bar was ridiculously good looking. So of course, we decided to spread our legs for a one-night stand. In the morning with our beer goggles off and our hangovers coming in full throttle, we roll over to realize the charity case our vagina just endured. Not only do you not remember anything, but the guy laying next to you looks like a hobo man you picked up on the side of the street.
But how do you gracefully exit?
If you’re lucky enough to find your less-than-sexy man asleep, grab your shit and run. Make sure you don’t leave anything behind, because if you do, you sure aren’t going to see it again.
Before bolting for the door, quickly glance around the room for used condoms. You want to make sure your lady business was properly protected. God forbid, you end up with this sad schmuck’s STDs or worse, carrying his ugly babies. It’s alright to let your pussy go wild, but your head still needs to be responsible.
If your unfortunate fuck just happens to be awake, play it cool. Pretend like you remember everything perfectly and had a wonderful time. If it’s a workday, then tell him you’re running late for work. If it’s a weekend, mention how you have lunch with your grandma for her birthday. No one can get pissy with a I’m-hanging-with-my-granny excuse. You’ll look like a sweet person who’s interested in caring for the elderly.
If the one-night stand took place at your house and you want them to leave without seeming rude, mention how you have to get to work as you have a meeting you forgot. Help them gather their clothes to make sure they don’t have an excuse for coming back over. Be nice and walk them to the door. This will take a little longer than if you’re at their house. It’s harder to get someone to leave sometimes than it is to leave someone’s house. So if you’re out drinking then make sure to go to their house instead.
If your one-night stand is trying to have morning sex with you, and you’re not into it… fake sick. Tell him you have a massive headache and need some water, then get up and go to the fridge. Better yet, run to the bathroom and say, “I think I just started my period!” Nothing shrinks a boner faster than the mention of blood. If you are into having sex with him once more (apparently your beer goggles haven’t completely faded), let the guy know that you have somewhere to go before you start so you can leave. Then you won’t feel guilty for banging and bolting.
As you are getting ready to leave his house or if you’re trying to persuade him to get out of yours, it may come up that he wants to see you again. Obviously, he does. Let’s face it; your vagina was one-stand gold. If you don’t want to see him again, be short and polite. Make something up. Maybe you just got out of a relationship and you’re not really over it. No one wants to be a rebound fuck. Turn the tables on them. Start talking about your ex a lot. Mention how much you miss him and his wonderful penis. Tell your one-night stand that you’ve been thinking about getting back together with your generously hung ex.
If the person just won’t give up on wanting to see you again, casually mention that you need to go to a doctor’s appointment for an STD check. Let him know that he should probably get checked too, just in case. Say whatever you have to, but make yourself seem as undesirable and unattractive as possible. (If you’re as fucking sexy as me, it’ll be a challenge for sure.) Whatever you do, never leave a one-night stand and say, “I’ll call you.” Lie about everything else, but that. Best to be honest even if it’s a lie.
- Sienna Sinclaire® - The Single Girl®: Your Naughty Lifestyle Guide
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Every once and a while, I like to play with an older dick. A young fuck is always full of passion; but a wise older penis has more tricks and experience behind his balls. Ron was just the guy my vadge needed, or so I thought. He was extremely sexy with his salt-and-pepper hair. He had a confidence about him that I knew would be incredible in the bedroom. He constantly turned heads, which of course, made me want to suck on his.
We grabbed a drink at a bar he had suggested, but it wasn’t my kind of place. It was a fluster cluck of young guys, trashy girls, and ridiculously loud music. If I wanted to go back to my high school prom, I would have worn my fluffy ball gown and tiara. Fed up with screaming at the top of my lungs just to have a conversation, I suggested we head to another bar where we could actually talk.
After a bit of reluctance, I finally got him to agree to my bar by telling him my ex worked at the other place he suggested. Worked like a charm.
At the new place, we quickly ordered some food and drinks. We could actually hear each other now. We were having a good conversation, and I was thinking the date was going really well…Until he started talking about his dating style. He casually mentioned that he’s into DS dating.
“You’re into what now?” I said, even though I had heard him loud and clear.
“DS. You know, Dominant/Submissive.”
I nodded my head. I already know what it meant, but I had never heard someone confess this on a date, let alone a first date. I’m not exactly your average American girl when it comes to relationships, but this wasn’t something I was into as I’m the dominant one in relationships not the submissive.
“Basically, I’m the dominate one in the bedroom. Right now, I’m looking for a submissive.”
I almost choked on my Mandarin and Sprite. Was he serious? Clearly, he didn’t know me at all. “I’m not exactly the submissive type,” I laughed. The only area I want you to dominate me is my undercarriage.
“Well, I think you’re very smart and obviously beautiful. I’m just not sure how compatible we’ll be in the bedroom if you’re as dominant as you claim.” He took a sip from his drink. “I almost didn’t go out with you when I read your online profile. You’re very clear in your profile what you want and what you don’t want in someone.”
Guess my photos were sexy enough for him to overlook my insubordinate nature, I thought.
“I also didn’t really like how you responded to my email. I believe you said, ‘Yes, let’s meet up! Do you want to pick the place or would you like me to make a suggestion? That was almost a deal breaker.’”
“Why is that exactly?” I asked. This guy clearly is related to Hitler.
“As the dominant, I like to choose where we go.”
I rolled my eyes. “Well, it’s a good thing I didn’t text you this morning like I had planned because I was going to suggest we head to another bar. I knew the bar we were just at didn’t have a valet and was really loud. But I didn’t because I ended up taking a taxi.”
He fiddled with the straw wrapper in front of him. Clearly, he wasn’t pleased. “If you had sent that to me, I definitely would have canceled our date.”
“So this isn’t just a bedroom thing?” I asked after a few moments.
“On and off the mattress,” he grinned.
My lady wood instantly shrank. It’s one thing to be submissive for a good fuck, another for daily life. I knew this date wasn’t going to end with me on my knees, but I was still curious. It’s not every day you meet a guy willing to turn down a quality fuck.
We both ordered another drink. When the waiter handed my glass to me, I immediately noticed that the bartender had accidently put tonic in it instead of sprite.
“Hey sorry, but this has tonic in it. I wanted a Mandarin and Sprite,” I said.
The bartender corrected his mistake, as he damn well should have.
When I looked up to Ron, he was clearly not happy with me. “If they gave me the wrong drink I would just drink it.”
My eyes grew big. What the fuck was this guy’s problem? Of course he wouldn’t sit there and slurp something he didn’t like. He’s way too dominant. That’s like a guy saying, “I ordered this hot escort online, but when she showed up at my door she looked nothing like her picture. She was flabby and looked like a foot, but I fucked her anyway.”
The rest of the date, Ron talked about how incompatible we were sexually. I thought this was awful presumptuous of him, since I had never suggested fucking him. He was like paradox though. With his words, he told me how we weren’t going to work together… but his eyes never left my chest. It was clear, this dominant wanted to get up in my private domain.
Instead of blowing him off, I decided to see just how dominant he really was. “So do you mind if a girl suggests sex toys or different positions?”
“No, not exactly.”
“Do you like it when the girl’s on top?” I asked.
He shook his head. “I’d probably go limp if she was on top. That’s not being submissive at all.”
Wrong answer, buddy. A girl wants to be able to tell you what she does and doesn’t like. Besides, I love being on top. I also love doggy style, but I sure as hell am not going to cower before your dick like a scared puppy.
“I prefer my women on all fours.” He said with a big grin.
Of course you do. I have no problem letting a guy be dominant in the bedroom and I have no problem getting on my knees to service a guy. But my sex life does not revolve around me being submissive every time we have sex and me being on “bottom.”
I’m all about switching things up every time I have sex but this guy seemed all about himself and his own pleasure not the girl.
“Maybe you should just go online and look for a nice, bendy Asian girl who would have no problem bending over for you.”
“Asian women don’t really attract me.”
I almost laughed. This guy isn’t really in a position to be that picky. You take whatever pussy will submit for you. “So really, what would you do if a girl suggests the restaurant?”
“No, it wouldn’t work. I don’t want the girl to suggest anything to me.”
I nodded. Basically he wants a sexy robot who’ll spread her legs and not say a damn word. Good luck finding that kind of girl, man. I’m pretty sure they’re plastic replicas you can buy on Ebay for that kind of shit.
By that time my drink was done, so was I. So I suggested we get a taxi to go home, which probably pissed him off.
Once we got outside he asked, “So what’s going on tonight?”
This guy was unbelievable. He knew I didn’t have a submissive bone in my body, yet he was still trying to poke me with his (Bone that is). Fat chance I was going home with this freak. God only knows what he would do to me.
“I’m going home, alone. I don’t think it’ll work for us; I’m way too dominant for you.” I went home alone that night and was incredibly thankful I hadn’t gone home with Ron. There are some things even MY vagina won’t stand for.
- Sienna Sinclaire® - The Single Girl®: Your Naughty Lifestyle Guide